Marylebone Demands Independence: Movement Launches with Plans for New Currency, National Anthem, and Special Passports Smelling Slightly of Bergamot
In what is already being dubbed “The Most Polite Rebellion in British History,” a group of determined residents has launched the Campaign for Marylebone Independence (CMI), claiming their central London enclave has been “economically, culturally, and spiritually distinct since at least brunch last Sunday.” Leading the charge is Basil Etherington-Smythe, 64, a retired haberdasher and…
Marylebone Woman Organises Daily Pigeon Choir—Locals Divided Over Feathery Flash Mob
Marylebone—What began as an innocent experiment in “avian expressionism” has quickly divided a neighbourhood, as one woman’s attempt to teach pigeons to perform in an organised vocal ensemble has taken over Paddington Street Gardens every morning at 8am sharp. The woman in question is 67-year-old retired dental hygienist and self-proclaimed “bird empath,” Lavinia Crumple-Smythe, who…
Man Denied Croissant in Marylebone Café Moves to France in Existential Despair
In a dramatic turn of pastry-fuelled misfortune, a local man has reportedly relocated to France after his daily croissant was unavailable at his favourite café on Dorset Street. Trevor Bibsworth, 42, had been a loyal customer of Le Petit Scone for over three years, where he would arrive each morning at precisely 8:07 AM to…
Fitzrovia Residents Baffled by Mysterious 3AM Trombone Solos
Fitzrovia locals have been left confused, sleep-deprived, and oddly impressed by a mysterious figure who has been performing solo trombone concerts in the dead of night. For the past two weeks, at precisely 3:00 AM, the sound of a lone trombone has echoed through the streets, playing what some describe as “jazzy yet ominous” melodies….
The Loud Lout of Marylebone: Locals Terrorised by Man with No Volume Control
Marylebone residents are living in fear—not of crime, nor of rising rents, but of one man with a smartphone and no regard for social decency. The unidentified offender, dubbed The Loud Lout of Marylebone, has been causing havoc in cafés across the area by speaking at unfathomable volumes on his phone. Witnesses report that his…
To the Editor of The Fitzrovian,
Sir, I am writing to express my outrage at the so-called Moustache Tax levied upon me during my brief and involuntary passage through Fitzrovia last Thursday. As a proud resident of Bloomsbury, I had no intention of stopping in your peculiar little borough, but alas, my usual route was blocked by a rogue troupe of…
New Business on Cavendish Street Offers Fitzrovians the Ultimate Luxury: Someone Else’s Queue Spot
Fitzrovia is known for its innovation, and the latest addition to Cavendish Street is no exception. Stand & Deliver, a boutique queue-standing service, is now offering Londoners the chance to avoid the drudgery of waiting in line by hiring a professional queuer to do it for them. Whether it’s securing tickets to a sold-out theatre…
Fitzrovia Palladium Set to Premiere Caravaggio: The Brush of Darkness—A Musical About the Life of the Mad Genius Himself
Fitzrovia is once again at the cutting edge of cultural brilliance with the highly anticipated premiere of Caravaggio: The Brush of Darkness, a bold new musical about the tumultuous life of the Italian painter Caravaggio. Known for his dark, brooding works and a temper as fiery as his brushstrokes, Caravaggio’s life is about to get…
Fitzrovia Opera House to premiere Brexit: The Ballet
A Bold New Production Uniting Art and Politics In a groundbreaking exploration of politics through the medium of dance, Brexit: The Ballet is set to make its debut in Fitzrovia. This ambitious production seeks to unpack the seismic events surrounding the United Kingdom’s departure from the European Union, translating one of the 21st century’s most…
Letter of Complaint from Neville Crankshaw
To the Editor, I am writing to express my extreme dissatisfaction with your appallingly narrow-minded review of my film, Death in Fitzrovia. Your so-called “critic” (a term I use with reluctance) has entirely missed the point of my artistic vision, choosing instead to mock what is clearly a bold, groundbreaking exploration of revenge, mortality, and sponge-based trauma….
