Fitzrovia, known for its eclectic arts scene and avant-garde endeavors, is about to leap (gracefully) into the world of ballet—quite literally. Sir Cardigan Haney, retired diplomat, part-time haberdasher, and full-time visionary, has announced the creation of the Fitzrovia Ballet Company, with a daring and unconventional debut: Swan Lake, performed in an actual lake.
The production, which Sir Cardigan insists will “redefine the boundaries of classical ballet,” is set to take place in Regent’s Park’s Boating Lake this summer. Speaking from his study (which he described as “half Versailles, half YMCA locker room”), Sir Cardigan outlined his ambitious plans.
“Why limit art to dry land?” he declared, gesturing emphatically with a lorgnette. “Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake has been staged a thousand times, but never like this. By immersing our ballerinas—quite literally—we’ll capture the essence of the swan in ways no mere stage production ever could. Plus, the ripples on the water will add a certain…je ne sais quoi.”
Casting Call: Must Dance, Must Swim
While Sir Cardigan’s vision has sparked intrigue, it has also raised eyebrows, particularly with his unorthodox casting requirements. In a notice pinned outside the Fitzrovia Community Centre, he has called for “exceptionally talented ballerinas who can pirouette and paddle.” Applicants must hold certifications in both classical ballet and open-water swimming, with bonus points for experience in synchronized swimming or lifeguarding.
“I understand it’s a tall order,” Sir Cardigan admitted, stroking his velvet cravat. “But art demands sacrifice. And occasionally, waterproof pointe shoes.”
The production will also feature an entirely aquatic set, with floating lily pads serving as makeshift stages, and a troupe of actual swans trained to glide in formation alongside the dancers. Sir Cardigan has enlisted local wildlife expert Agatha Featherstone to oversee “swan choreography.”
“It’s been a challenge,” Featherstone confessed. “Swans are not known for their patience, or their pliés. One of them attacked a rehearsal dummy last week. But I think they’re starting to grasp the concept of the second act.”
Concerns from the Community
While the idea has drawn applause for its originality, not everyone is convinced. Local ballet critic Hugo Draythorne expressed skepticism: “There’s a reason Swan Lake is traditionally performed indoors. Water and tutus do not mix. Also, swans are notoriously territorial and may end up attacking the cast mid-performance. I foresee chaos.”
Health and safety officials are also reportedly “concerned” about the logistics, particularly regarding electrical equipment for the orchestra, which will be situated on a floating barge. Sir Cardigan, however, has dismissed these concerns as “pedestrian quibbling.”
Reactions from Aspiring Ballerinas
Aspiring cast members have been cautiously enthusiastic. Beatrice Flotsam, a professional dancer from Soho, said, “It’s certainly the most unusual audition I’ve ever attended. We had to perform an arabesque while treading water. I nearly collided with a mallard.”
Meanwhile, Veronica Plank, who described herself as a “semi-professional mermaid,” said she was excited by the opportunity. “Finally, a production that merges my two great loves: ballet and open-water swimming. My only worry is the swans—they look at me like I owe them money.”
Support from the Fitzrovia Elite
Despite the skepticism, Sir Cardigan’s endeavor has gained support from Fitzrovia’s artistic elite. Dame Lavinia Throckmorton, patron of the arts and amateur harpsichordist, hailed the project as “audacious” and has pledged to fund the purchase of custom-made waterproof tutus. “This is exactly the sort of innovation Fitzrovia needs,” she said. “We must push the envelope, even if it gets slightly soggy in the process.”
Tickets on Sale Soon
Rehearsals for Swan Lake: The Aquatic Edition are set to begin in February, with performances scheduled for July. Tickets will go on sale next month, with VIP packages that include a gondola ride to the performance and complimentary swan-repellent.
As for Sir Cardigan, he remains unfazed by the challenges ahead. “True art requires a leap of faith,” he said, gazing wistfully out his window. “Sometimes into a lake. Fitzrovia deserves nothing less.”
Will Sir Cardigan’s watery dream sink or swim? Only time—and the endurance of his ballerinas—will tell.
