Serving Fitzrovia since 1066
Residents of Westminster are demanding answers after it emerged that the Central London Neighbourhood Unity Forum (CLNUF) spent £12,000 on a set of ‘heritage benches’ that are, by design, impossible to sit on. The sleek stone benches, installed last month along New Cavendish Street, feature sharply sloped surfaces and polished bronze armrests that prevent anyone…
By Lavender Botts Westminster is reeling after revelations that the Central London Neighbourhood Unity Forum (CLNUF) spent £40,000 of community funds on a ceremonial gong that has yet to be struck in public. The 8-foot bronze instrument, commissioned from a “sound healer collective” in Bali, was meant to be the centrepiece of local meetings. In…
Londoners, brace yourselves! A challenger has arisen to the throne of London’s ever-problematic transport system. Sir Derek Hunderton, a builder with a penchant for pork pies and questionable DIY projects, has unveiled his revolutionary plan – the Edward II line: A Dazzling Elevated Railway for Disgruntled Commuters. Yes, you read that right. Sir Derek, armed…
Forget ceremonial handshakes and roaring fireplaces – Number 10 Downing Street, the iconic seat of British power is about to undergo a dramatic transformation, swapping briefings for bunk beds as it opens its doors to become a temporary homeless hostel. The announcement, met with a cacophony of both praise and skepticism, stems from a bold initiative by the…
Big Ben Blips and Biscuit Breaks: Diary of a Westminster Watcher, Zeb Hornton 14 January, 2024 Evening chimes echo through the bell chamber, each bong vibrating my bones like a cosmic tuning fork. Big Ben’s hands creep towards midnight, leaving the day behind in a haze of chimney smoke and taxi horns. But for me, perched high above the city’s slumber, the…
From Sonnets to Swoons: Bard Buff Bites Off More Than He Can Chew (or Comprehend) In a case of literary ambition surpassing cerebral capacity, William “Billy” Bookworm, a 37-year-old Westminster accountant, has landed himself in hospital after attempting to read a Shakespeare play a day for a month. Arriving at St. Bard’s General with a vocabulary so archaic it would…
Phones Up, Awareness Down: Seventeen Witnesses Miss Accident in Digital Deluge In a stark illustration of our modern attention deficit, seventeen bystanders failed to witness a road traffic accident yesterday afternoon, their gaze firmly fixed on the screens of their smartphones. The incident, which thankfully resulted in no serious injuries, has sparked renewed debate about the impact of digital distraction…
Forget the checkered flag, hold onto your boarding pass! Its the off-season and local racing sensation Orlando Porridge has traded his roaring engine for a whirring rotor, becoming the brand ambassador for none other than The Fitzrovia Helicopter Company. Yes, folks, the man who mastered the tarmac is now conquering the sky, and he couldn’t…
Mismatched Mania: When One Shoe Doesn’t Quite Know the Other is Trending Move over, monochromatic minimalism, there’s a new sartorial statement strutting down the streets, and it’s decidedly asymmetrical: the odd-shoe trend. Gone are the days of perfectly paired pumps and matching loafers. Today, it’s all about embracing the rebellious spirit of footwear, rocking a left Converse and a right Doc Marten with…
Pave the Way for Progress: Will the Pandemic-Era Pavements of Regent’s Street Linger? Strolling down Regent’s Street, amidst the glittering storefronts and bustling crowds, one can’t help but notice the extra-wide pavements, a legacy of the pandemic era. Introduced in 2020 to create space for socially distanced shoppers, these expanded sidewalks sparked debate: a lifeline for struggling businesses or an encroachment…