Review: Dialectics in Dripping – An Evening at The Existential Chop
By our culinary correspondent Harry Speed It is not often that one attends a tasting and leaves questioning the very possibility of frying an egg, yet such was my fate after an evening at The Existential Chop, Fitzrovia’s most self-important butcher. The event was billed as a “Dialectical Tasting,” and promised a pairing of artisanal…
The Epistemology of Silence: Fitzrovia’s New Quietness Ordinance
By Sandringham Jeff, cultural affairs correspondent In an age of ceaseless chatter, Fitzrovia has taken the extraordinary step of legislating silence. Beginning this week, a pilot ordinance requires all residents and visitors to observe one continuous hour of “structured quietness” between 3pm and 4pm daily. The policy was conceived by Councillor Peregrine Datchworth, who has…
The Great Marylebone Pigeon Census
By Our Fauna and Flora Correspondent Marylebone awoke this week to the announcement of a grand civic undertaking: the first official Pigeon Census, a project some are already calling “the most important statistical exercise since the Domesday Book, but more feathery.” Organised by the newly-formed Marylebone Ornithological Bureau (MOB), the census aims to count every…
The Marylebone Society for the Philosophical Contemplation of Timepieces
Marylebone, a district so often accused of being “too elegant for its own good,” has now added another feather to its Best Place to Live in London cap: the recently established Marylebone Society for the Philosophical Contemplation of Timepieces (MSPCT). Their aim is deceptively simple: to sit in front of clocks, preferably ornate ones, and…
Marylebone Woman Claims to Have Invented Silent Tea Kettle—Neighbours Disagree
By Our Marylebone Correspondent, Karen Seasons A Marylebone resident, Drusilla Downs of Weymouth Street, has announced that she has invented the world’s first silent tea kettle. Unfortunately for her, neighbours insist that it is the loudest thing they have ever heard. According to Mrs Downs, the kettle uses “quantum steam dispersion” to eliminate the shrill…
Marylebone Residents Bewildered as Giant Rubber Duck Blocks High Street
By Our West Fitzrovia Correspondent Shoppers on Marylebone High Street were treated to an unusual sight yesterday morning when a giant inflatable rubber duck—measuring nearly three storeys tall—lodged itself outside the Conran Shop, blocking traffic and confusing pedestrians. The duck, which appeared without warning, is believed to have drifted away from an art installation at…
Fitzrovia Residents Divided Over Midnight Bagpipe Club
Sleep has become something of an optional luxury in Fitzrovia this week, thanks to the sudden emergence of what locals are calling the Midnight Bagpipe Club. The group, said to number between four and forty enthusiasts (depending on whom you ask), assembles nightly at the base of the BT Tower and proceeds to play traditional…
The Battle for Pavement Space: Fitzrovia’s Great Sidewalk Squeeze
By Clement Harbottle, Fitzrovian Affairs Editor For years, Fitzrovia has prided itself on being one of London’s most walkable neighbourhoods, a place where Georgian charm mingles with artisanal cafés and the occasional confused tourist looking for Oxford Circus. But beneath the aroma of flat whites and the chatter of office workers on Charlotte Street lies…
From Dogbrella to Catbrella: Fitzrovian Inventor Expands the Pet-Weather Frontier
By Clement Harbottle, Fitzrovian Affairs Editor Fitzrovia, never shy of a quixotic invention, has once again delivered a marvel destined for the annals of genius. Local designer Susie Polteen, already celebrated for her Dogbrella, has unveiled a sequel: the Catbrella, the world’s first umbrella specifically engineered for cats. A Leap Forward in Feline Meteorology “Dogs…
Charlotte Street to Trial ‘Silent Thursdays’ in Bold Bid for Urban Serenity
By Clement Harbottle, Fitzrovian Affairs Editor In an unprecedented act of civic innovation, Fitzrovia’s Charlotte Street will soon play host to “Silent Thursdays,” a weekly day in which all talking, honking, humming, and whistling will be strictly forbidden. The plan, spearheaded by the Fitzrovia Noise Abatement Society (FiNAS), comes after years of complaints that the…
