In a bold fusion of urban planning and aquatic exuberance a proposal has emerged from the Fitzrovia Summer Infrastructure Imagination Sub-Committee (a group of retired architects and one man named Crispin with a degree in fluid aesthetics) to install a gigantic water slide curling through the neighbourhood – beginning, naturally, at the top of the BT Tower.
The slide, tentatively titled “The Fitzrovia Flume: A Civic Cascade”, would spiral down from the 191-metre telecommunications landmark, swoop through Charlotte Street, swerve elegantly around The Building Centre, offer a brief reflective pause at one of the Eastcastle Street galleries, and eventually deposit bathers in an artificially constructed lagoon in Fitzroy Square. The lagoon will double as a jazz venue after 6pm.
A Wet Vision
“This isn’t just a thrill ride,” insisted project visionary and part-time landscape theorist, Dr. Miranda Plynne. “It’s an experiential intervention into vertical space and hydrodynamic urban joy. It’s also a way to cool down Kevin from the planning office, who refuses to wear anything but wool in summer.”
Designs show the slide featuring elegant Art Deco motifs, misting nozzles imported from Norway, and optional inner tubes shaped like Gertrude Stein’s hair. Riders will have the choice of several “lanes,” including the “Mildly Surprised Bureaucrat Run” and the “Express Existential Crisis Plunge,” which briefly suspends sliders over Tottenham Court Road before dropping them down a terrifying helix of citrus-scented foam.
Negotiations and Obstacles
Talks with BT are reportedly “at the stage where someone has at least read the email,” and residents have raised some questions, mainly: “Is this safe?”, “Who’s paying for the plumbing?”, and “What happens if someone’s sandwich gets wet?”
Critics have pointed out that Fitzrovia’s famously uneven pavements and narrow Georgian streets may not lend themselves to large quantities of cascading water and inflatable dinghies.
“Could cause untold havoc with dogs, booksellers and the elderly,” warned local historian and perennial pessimist Thurston Dayle. “Although the idea of sliding round Oxford Circus in a rubber ring while holding a Cornetto does appeal.”
Funding Splash
The project will require an estimated £48 million, a number described by one councillor as “surprisingly affordable, if we sell one or two of London’s lesser bridges.”
Crowdfunding efforts have begun with various incentive tiers, including a limited-edition tea towel and, for higher donors, the opportunity to be the ceremonial first person launched from the top of the BT Tower or a free ticket to watch local councillors in action.
Councillor Lucinda Fray described the scheme as “exactly the sort of imaginative, mildly risky, and probably uninsurable plan that puts Fitzrovia on the map. We will be like Venice, but vertical, and you can swim in the water.”
If all goes to plan the Fitzrovia Flume will open in time for next summer’s heatwave, or sooner if negotiations with the Norwegian misting nozzle supplier proceed ahead of schedule.
In the meantime, local residents are advised to begin training on smaller slides, ensure all hats are watertight, and avoid lingering near Tottenham Court Road where the first experimental piping will soon start to emerge.
