To the Editor,
I am writing to express my extreme dissatisfaction with your appallingly narrow-minded review of my film, Death in Fitzrovia. Your so-called “critic” (a term I use with reluctance) has entirely missed the point of my artistic vision, choosing instead to mock what is clearly a bold, groundbreaking exploration of revenge, mortality, and sponge-based trauma.
First, let us address the accusation that my film is “a poorly executed community theater production.” How dare you. The emotional depth in Elspeth Danderling’s portrayal of Lavinia Puddlemore has already been hailed by several members of my book club as “really quite good,” and I’ll have you know that the scene where she cries while creaming butter and sugar has reduced grown men to tears (my uncle, for instance).
Second, your dismissal of the Victoria sponge as a “laughable” murder weapon betrays a profound ignorance of the baking arts. Do you have any idea how dense a properly made sponge can be? I consulted no fewer than three pastry chefs during pre-production to ensure the cake’s structural integrity was realistic. I challenge your critic to take a slice of that sponge to the head and emerge unscathed.
Furthermore, your sneering dismissal of the slow-motion icing sugar sequences is nothing short of cinematic philistinism. These moments are meant to symbolize the fragility of life itself—each grain of sugar a metaphor for the countless tiny decisions that lead us to our ultimate fate. But no, to your critic, it’s just “icing.” Shameful.
Finally, your bizarre assertion that the sponge cake displayed “more emotional depth” than my cast is simply offensive. Are you suggesting that a cake is better at conveying anguish than Elspeth’s quivering lip or Reginald Fluster’s soulful grimace as the Detective Inspector? Have you ever worked with Reginald Fluster? His grimaces are the stuff of legend.
Death in Fitzrovia is not for the faint of heart—or, apparently, for those incapable of appreciating art that challenges societal norms. I suggest your critic stick to reviewing Marvel films and leave the true art to those of us who dare to think outside the box (or, in this case, the baking tin).
Sincerely,
Neville Crankshaw
Director, Visionary, and Advocate for Cake-Based Cinema
