In a feat that has left life coaches speechless and gym membership salespeople ecstatic, Pentonville Sparks, a 42-year-old Fitzrovia resident and self-described “goal-setting enthusiast,” has won the coveted Most New Year’s Resolutions Contest. Organized annually by the Fitzrovia Self-Improvement Society, the contest rewards those who aim high, regardless of their capacity to follow through.
Sparks submitted a jaw-dropping 538 resolutions for 2025, ranging from personal betterment to the downright bizarre. “I believe in setting goals that stretch the soul,” Sparks declared at the awards ceremony, held in the basement of the Pontoon Café. “And if you aim for the stars and hit a lamppost, at least you’ve left the pavement.”
Highlights from Sparks’ List
Among Sparks’ 538 resolutions are some noble, some niche, and some frankly baffling aspirations:
1. Run 15 marathons while dressed as famous philosophers.
2. Learn to yodel in six languages, starting with Icelandic.
3. Start a community orchestra composed entirely of cats and ukuleles.
4. Eat fewer marshmallows (exact target: “under 30,000 for the year”).
5. Become fluent in semaphore, “just in case.”
6. Make amends with Gary, though Sparks refuses to elaborate on who Gary is or what he did.
7. Solve at least 10 cold cases.
8. Write and direct a 17-hour opera based on the Fitzrovia bus timetable.
9. Memorize all 97 rules of cricket, despite admitting he finds the game “perplexing and mildly irritating.”
10. Train pigeons to perform choreographed dances in Fitzroy Square.
Day Two: Cracks Begin to Show
By the morning of January 2nd, Sparks admitted that several resolutions had already fallen by the wayside. “I broke number 276 this morning—‘Never hit snooze on my alarm clock’—and let me tell you, the domino effect was real,” he confessed.
Here are a few of the resolutions Sparks has already abandoned:
• Resolution #89: “No more biscuits before noon.” At precisely 10:17 a.m. on January 1st, he was seen devouring three Jaffa Cakes in quick succession.
• Resolution #145: “Write daily thank-you notes to everyone I encounter.” Sparks was overheard muttering, “I can’t keep thanking the postman for delivering post. It’s literally his job.”
• Resolution #315: “Take up cold water swimming.” A chilly dip in the Regent’s Canal on New Year’s morning ended with Sparks shivering uncontrollably and muttering, “Never again.”
• Resolution #444: “No swearing in 2024.” Witnesses claim he let out a colorful string of expletives after accidentally stepping on a Lego piece.
Community Reactions
Fellow Fitzrovians have been both impressed and bemused by Sparks’ ambitious project. “It’s inspiring to see someone set their sights so high,” said local barista Lorna Paddle. “But honestly, how does he expect to find time to choreograph pigeons and learn semaphore?”
Others were less kind. “I give him until January 10th before he gives up entirely,” scoffed Marvin Tweed, last year’s runner-up in the contest with a comparatively modest 134 resolutions. “And let’s be honest, yodeling in Icelandic is a bit of a vanity project.”
Sparks’ Defense
Despite the early slip-ups, Sparks remains optimistic. “It’s not about perfection,” he said. “It’s about intention. If I achieve even 10% of my resolutions, I’ll still be a better person by December.”
When asked how he plans to juggle his ambitions, Sparks revealed a color-coded spreadsheet, a wall-mounted vision board, and a bag of energy drinks large enough to supply a music festival. “I’m prepared,” he insisted. “I’ve got a plan for everything—except maybe that pigeon thing. That’s proving harder than I thought.”
What’s Next for Fitzrovia’s Resolution King?
Sparks has vowed to double down on his efforts, saying that January 2nd was merely “a hiccup.” In fact, he has already added another resolution to his list: “Don’t let minor setbacks define me.”
As for the Fitzrovia Self-Improvement Society, they are already looking ahead to next year’s contest. “We’ll need a new prize,” said chairperson Hortense Flax. “The engraved mug we gave Pentonville doesn’t seem quite sufficient for someone attempting to eat fewer marshmallows while simultaneously solving cold cases and writing operas.”
Will Pentonville Sparks achieve his lofty goals? Only time—and possibly Gary—will tell. For now, Fitzrovia can’t help but root for its overzealous optimist.
