Marylebone—What began as an innocent experiment in “avian expressionism” has quickly divided a neighbourhood, as one woman’s attempt to teach pigeons to perform in an organised vocal ensemble has taken over Paddington Street Gardens every morning at 8am sharp.
The woman in question is 67-year-old retired dental hygienist and self-proclaimed “bird empath,” Lavinia Crumple-Smythe, who insists the project—called Pigeon Singularity—is “an exploration of urban harmony through spontaneous beak-based vibrato.”
Her morning routine involves scattering organic quinoa on the park path while waving a conductor’s baton made from recycled toothbrushes. She then proceeds to hum various tunes—mainly selections from Les Misérables and the Bee Gees—while encouraging pigeons to “find their inner tenor.”
“Some mornings, they really nail the middle eight of Stayin’ Alive,” Lavinia told us while wearing a hat made of seed and string. “Other days, they’re more avant-garde—less melody, more interpretive wing flapping. One did an arpeggio with his feet yesterday.”
Local reactions are… mixed.
“I find it strangely moving,” said Colin Jeffreys, 34, a freelance saxophonist who has started bringing his alto to join in. “There’s something very raw about 30 pigeons cooing in unison while a woman in fingerless gloves shouts ‘MORE FEELING!’ at them.”
But not everyone is charmed.
“She made them do a version of Bohemian Rhapsody at 7:55am,” complained Nancy Tolliver, 51, who walks her greyhound, Marcus, in the park. “Marcus hasn’t stopped twitching since. He thinks we’re under attack.”
A petition titled “Please Stop Weaponising the Pigeons” has gathered 46 signatures, including that of an anonymous nearby café owner who alleges the birds have taken to rehearsing on his outdoor seating. “Someone tried to eat a doughnut and had to leave to escape forty birds rehearsing Is this the Way to Amarillo,” he said, visibly traumatised.
When asked if she would consider toning it down, Lavinia was defiant.
“Art is never convenient,” she said, stuffing breadcrumbs into a homemade vest covered in sheet music. “People said the same about Picasso. Or Andrew Lloyd Webber.”
Still, the performances have drawn a small cult following, with visitors from Camden and even one curious backpacker from Slovenia arriving to film what he described as “possibly a protest, possibly an opera, hard to say.”
Lavinia is now working on a seasonal programme entitled Wings of Aeneas and is reportedly applying for Arts Council funding to stage a full-scale pigeon opera on Marylebone High Street. The finale, she says, will feature synchronised swooping to the sound of Purcell’s Avian Chorus.
For now, the daily concerts continue, rain or shine, drawing curious onlookers, mild admiration, and a great deal of droppings.
Marylebone remains, as ever, quietly baffled.
