By Our Marylebone Correspondent, Karen Seasons
A Marylebone resident, Drusilla Downs of Weymouth Street, has announced that she has invented the world’s first silent tea kettle. Unfortunately for her, neighbours insist that it is the loudest thing they have ever heard.
According to Mrs Downs, the kettle uses “quantum steam dispersion” to eliminate the shrill whistle of boiling water. “It’s a revolution in beverage science,” she told reporters outside her home. “Soon the nation will boil in peace.”
But neighbours report a very different experience. Stanley Cudworth, who lives two doors down, says: “It sounds like an aircraft trying to take off inside a trombone factory. My cat has been under the bed for three days.”
Another resident, Martha Dingle, described the noise as “a cross between a foghorn and a screaming goat,” adding, “I can’t even hear the Archers anymore.”
The situation reached a peak on Tuesday evening when several passersby mistook the sound for an emergency siren and began assembling at a local church hall for evacuation.
Undeterred, Mrs Downs is pressing ahead with her invention. She claims the next version will be “even more completely noiseless” and may even play soft lullabies when the water boils.
The council has requested an independent noise assessment. In the meantime, the kettle remains plugged in, humming ominously.
Locals are divided. Some call it a menace, others an avant-garde sound sculpture. The Marylebone Modern & Historical Society is considering commissioning a permanent recording of the kettle for its archives. Chairman Ed Williams said, “For something silent it is quite noisy. I am hopeful that members will vote in favour of adding this invention to our archives.”
