Marylebone residents are living in fear—not of crime, nor of rising rents, but of one man with a smartphone and no regard for social decency.
The unidentified offender, dubbed The Loud Lout of Marylebone, has been causing havoc in cafés across the area by speaking at unfathomable volumes on his phone. Witnesses report that his conversations—ranging from business deals that seem entirely fabricated to in-depth discussions of his recent foot cream regimen—are so disruptive that delicate pastries have been seen visibly trembling on their plates.
“It’s like he doesn’t understand the concept of ‘indoor voice,’” says Clara Witherspoon, a regular at Café du Fromage on Devonshire Street. “Yesterday, I learned more about his uncle’s gallbladder surgery than I ever wanted to know. And then—then—he started watching videos at full volume. It was some sort of car chase. Or maybe a cooking show. I don’t know. But it was deafening.”
Reports indicate that when The Loud Lout is not engaged in phone conversations that could be heard from across Regent’s Park, he amuses himself by removing his shoes and laughing inexplicably at whatever he is watching. This has led to mass exoduses from cafés, with customers abandoning oat milk lattes and avocado toast in their haste to escape.
“I thought he was unwell at first,” says barista Tony Spivens of The Whisk & Bean on Wigmore Street. “But then I realised—no, this is just how he exists in the world. He takes a call, shouts about his stock portfolio, slaps his thigh for emphasis, and then puts on YouTube videos about medieval warfare or cryptocurrency. It’s a nightmare.”
Some have tried to intervene. When local author Henry Prattingham politely asked him to lower his voice at The Merry Mug, The Loud Lout simply nodded and proceeded to yell even louder about his upcoming golf trip. Another customer reportedly tried to drown him out by playing opera music at full blast—only for the offender to join in with a full-throated, off-key attempt at La Traviata.
No one knows exactly where The Loud Lout comes from or where he will strike next. Café owners are now implementing “No Speakerphone” signs, though experts fear he may simply read texts aloud instead.
For now, Marylebone remains at his mercy.