Residents of Westminster are demanding answers after it emerged that the Central London Neighbourhood Unity Forum (CLNUF) spent £12,000 on a set of ‘heritage benches’ that are, by design, impossible to sit on.
The sleek stone benches, installed last month along New Cavendish Street, feature sharply sloped surfaces and polished bronze armrests that prevent anyone from resting for more than a few seconds. According to CLNUF, they were commissioned to “discourage antisocial loitering while encouraging reflective pausing.”
But locals say the benches are worse than useless.
“I tried to eat a sandwich on one,” said resident Dave Lang, “and immediately slid off into the road. A bus driver had to swerve to avoid me, and an old lady almost fell over. Is that £12,000 well spent?”
A CLNUF spokesperson defended the project, insisting the benches were “not meant for sitting, but for contemplating.” Chair Harold Fanshawe elaborated at a recent meeting: “They are benches of the mind. The act of almost sitting is itself an urban meditation.”
The benches were designed by the avant-garde architectural firm Axis+Flux, which describes them as “a dialogue between stone, body, and gravity.” One promotional leaflet claims they represent “the constant instability of life in Westminster.”
Public reaction, however, has been less philosophical. A group of students has already begun using the benches as skateboard ramps, while one café owner has nicknamed them “The Expensive Slopes.”
Leaks suggest that the funding application described the project as “essential public seating for a meditative community.” An internal review is now under way to determine whether “seating you cannot sit on” qualifies as such.
Meanwhile, residents continue to perch uncomfortably on the new installations. “I give it two weeks before someone breaks an ankle,” muttered one passer-by. “Then they’ll spend another fifty grand on a safety rail that somehow makes them more dangerous.”
