Fitzrovia Fitness Unveils “Platinum Pampering”: Gym Where You Pay People to Sweat for You

woman standing surrounded by exercise equipment

Fitzrovia, London – Ditch the dumbbells, darling! Forget the treadmill torture! At the newly opened “Exquisite Exertion” gym in Fitzrovia, achieving peak physique is as simple as throwing cash at toned bodies. Their revolutionary “Platinum Pampering” membership takes laziness to a whole new level, offering the ultimate in fitness… by proxy.

Imagine this: you saunter in, sporting the latest athleisure (never actually used, of course), and sip cucumber water while Adonis-like staff members literally run on treadmills for you. Fancy some weight training? Fear not, buff trainers will lift barbells for you!

For the truly discerning exerciser, “Platinum Pampering Plus” adds a personalized pep talk coach, whispering motivational quotes into your ear while you… well, don’t. Feeling peckish? A protein smoothie butler will blend your post-workout concoction, ensuring you never have to lift a finger (or a shaker bottle).

“It’s about efficiency, darling,” purrs CEO Lavinia LaFitnesse, adjusting her diamond-encrusted Fitbit. “Why waste time sweating when you can delegate? Our highly trained staff are passionate about fitness, and frankly, their six-packs look much better on them anyway.”

But is this the future of fitness, or just the ultimate in absurdity? Critics scoff, calling it “exercise for the one percent” and “a mockery of hard work.” But Lavinia remains unfazed. “Let them scoff,” she says, patting her perfectly toned (and completely inactive) arm. “While they’re huffing and puffing, I’ll be sipping champagne and watching my net worth (and biceps) rise.”

Intrigued? Platinum Pampering memberships start at a cool £5,000 a month, with waiting lists longer than your average personal trainer’s biceps. Be warned, though: applications require proof of both income and an aversion to actual exertion.

Remember: At Exquisite Exertion, you don’t get fit, you buy fit. And let’s be honest, isn’t that what really matters?

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